Posted in Relationships 12.24.11 at 11:37 am by Veronica
“If you look closely enough at something, it will reveal its secrets to you.” This insight from George Washington Carver helped him to discover over 300 uses of the peanut. I also found it to be true about golf. I am sure that most people who play the game would be delighted to have a few secrets revealed to them on how to break 100 consistently. However, I have discovered some of the best secrets of the game have nothing to do with scoring on the course. Rather, they have to do about scoring in relationships. And what better time of the year than around the holidays to make better connections, especially with your family. So if you are dreading to see Uncle Boe-boe head at your annual Christmas dinner as much as you do hitting a shot over a monstrous looking lake, take heart! Here are 5 secrets on how to turn strife-filled family relationships into fresh family joy. I call my golf-inspired strategy “creating a shot of joy.”
1.Golf is series of shots that you hit one at a time. Like golf, relationships are made and transformed by making one relational connection at a time. Most people look at a difficult relationship and think that it can not be changed because they are focusing on the whole relationship. If you just focus on making one shot, that is one relational connection, you have a better chance at seeing change.
2. Hitting shots is intentional. The best players “call their shots” before they hit them. For example, a pro might say, “I am going to hit a slight fade around this tree and play it safe to the middle of the green.” The best relational connections are made by being intentional, too. That means you have to decide on what you want your shot to look like. You can’t be passive. What kind of connection do you want to make with your challenging loved one? Most people would simply like a real conversation or a real memory. You can create a great memory without reconciling the entire relationship.
3. To make a good shot, invoke your imagination and visualize your shot. The best shots in golf are hit from the most impossible lies. Ever see Tiger Woods caught behind a tree with his ball lying deep in the rough? Next thing you know, he hits a great shot and it lands right next to the pin. (Well, at least he used to hit these shots!) How did he do that? He invoked the power of his imagination to see the shot before he hit it. Forget the mechanics of your conflict for a second . Instead, take a minute and imagine what you want your relational connection to look like. Where will you meet? For how long? What will you be doing? What emotional resolve will you have to make to execute the shot? Will you need give the person a heads up about your intent before you meet? The greatest power you have is the power to create.
4. Choose the right atmosphere in which to hit your shots. I’ve always played my best games in a positive, fun atmosphere playing with my most enjoyable golf buddies. We cut up, tease one another, and evoke a positive emotional space to swing free. In relationships, there is always at least one positive “meeting place,” of common interest where people enjoy one another’s company. Where do you experience a positive connection with your challenging loved one? In cooking together, shooting hoops, fishing, playing card games? In what scenario is it easy for the other person to engage with you? Find it and go there. You can’t change a person, but you can change the atmosphere.
5. Hit the shot! If you don’t have the courage to hit the shot, you will never know what the possible outcome can be. To hit a shot of joy, have the courage to set up your shot, execute it, and then let go of the need to control the outcome. Just release the shot and see where it lands. If it doesn’t land where you intended it to go, put another ball down and hit it again!
One time I was in a big argument with my mother. I knew I immediately needed a shot of joy before we both ended up being fodder for Court TV. I decided to set up a shot of joy and change the atmosphere. “Mom, why don’t you get dressed up? I’d like to take you out to dinner right now.” She looked at me quizzically and then agreed. Once at the restaurant, we had to wait for a table. Knowing that she liked beer, I asked if we could sit in the bar area until our table was ready. I asked the waiter to explain to my mother what kind of beers they had. He rattled off a list that included Coors, Budweiser, and Pilsner. Mom thought about her options for a second and then replied, “Give me one of those Pillsbury beers!” The whole place cracked up. We did, too. We laughed about that shot of joy for the rest of the evening and it remains one of my funniest memories of Mom. My shot of joy lifted us out of our conflict and into our sweetspot.
Mary was dreading to see her family over the holidays. She loved her mother, but was at odds with her step-father. She needed a shot of joy. I asked her, “What is it that you want from your visit?” After we talked it through and located her heart, she said, “I want a fresh connection with my mother. I missed her birthday and we’ve been not as close lately.” “What would your shot look like?” She replied, “I’d like to have my siblings gather around Mom with me to give her a gift and spend a few minutes together sharing privately.” “What kind of gift would create a great connection?” She replied, “When we were growing up we had these red and white checked shirts. We had the best memories around our family all wearing those same shirts. I will get that shirt again for each of us.” “Great!” I said. Now let’s set up your shot. I directed her to call her mother ahead of time, tell her she wanted to get together with her and her siblings before the family dinner for 20 minutes to share something special.” Her mother agreed. Mary executed her shot perfectly! It created a fresh intimate connection with her mother and sisters—and created a cherished memory for years to come.
Unlike golf where you forget most of your shots, you will never forget hitting your shots of joy. So while you are unwrapping your gifts and maybe feeling a little separation, go ahead and tee it up. The best shots come from the most impossible lies.
For more information on how to create a shot of joy, visit http://shotsofjoy.com for a 4 part coaching audio weries.
Posted in Relationships 12.14.11 at 7:34 am by Veronica
Friends, I am in the process of writing and completing a book on the amazing journey of reconciliation and complete healing of my relationship with my mother before she passed away. Through that journey of 7 years, I learned amazing truths and insights which I have shared with other women who want to reach their mother’s heart and create great memories before it’s too late. Women have seen great results by using the strategies and insights I have shared to create threir own mother-daughter breakthroughs. If you would like to be part of an 8 week teleclass course on healing mother-daughter relationships where you would also review my book and help me to complete it, please comment and then send me an email at veronica@truechampioncoaching.com. I am looking for 100 women who would make a minimal investment of $149 for this 8 week course which would start in January. This post is an initial survey to see if there is enough interest to do this. This is a “learn and then put into action” training.
God’s way to an A has been a true blessing for me. I have always grown up in the church but I have never combined my education with my religion. I felt like they were always on two different categories. I always prayed when I needed something. For example before a test, quiz, when I was struggling in a class, but never took the time out to pray before I sat down and started studying. But God’s way to an A has taught me so much about meditating/praying before I get into my studies. I feel more relaxed and free with nothing stressful on my mind. God’s way to an A has opened up my eyes and also gave me an opportunity to read other people’s testimonies and to understand that God is everywhere. You just have to seek Him out. I just want to thank you for God’s Way to an A! Veronica you have been a blessing to me and my classmates. Rosa, ORU Ready to stop the cycle of struggle and start the joy of learning? Join us Tues. Nov. 15 at 7 pm eastern. Sign up at godswaytoana.com or the link on the blog!
The person you listen to is the most important person in your life. When you first go off to college you probably aren’t thinking about this truth. Your mind is filled with getting to class on time, finding your classes, getting used to your roommate, wondering what to do with some homesick pains, and who your new friends will be. When I first went off to Duke, I only had one friend whom I knew that went there. His advice to me was, “Just get by your first semester. Don’t worry about doing your best—just do what you need to do to get by.” I listened to him. As a result, my normal “A” grade performance slid downhill. I substituted mediocrity for excellence and I suffered. My grades went downhill and so did my expectations of myself for the next two years. Yep. Two years. Then I discovered what had happened. I listened to the wrong advice and it cost me dearly. After that, I gave my best to everything I did and expressed the person I knew myself to be. My grades soared again and I was happy with myself. The person you listen to is the most important person in your life. Who are your listening to? www.truechampioncoaching.com
Day 2: Talk to your roommate about “rules of respect.” Your roommate, who most likely is a total stranger to you, is a very important person in your life. You may spend a lot of time with that person or you may not, but chances are, you each have your own ways in living together in a shared space and will intersect a lot. In an effort to be friends and get along, it appears easier not to talk about things rather than talking through “ground rules” for getting along and respecting one another’s space. It’s better to have a mutual understanding and respect about what is important to each of you upfront than to play the “suck it up silent treatment” which doesn’t really work, especially for things that cross the line with your values and self-respect. When a conflict arises, you can always point to the “rules of respect” that you both create rather than pointing at one another. Boundaries are important for getting along well. Your communication can be as simple as saying, “Hey, I’m looking forward to a great roommate relationship with you. In an effort to create some smooth sailing, let’s talk about what is important to each of us and how we can respect one another’s routine, values, and relationships—and create some rules of respect we both will abide by. You can even talk about how to talk about a conflict when it arises. Agreement is much more powerful than assumptions. In golf, everybody knows where the out of bounds stakes are. They are clearly marked so you can hit away from them, not to them! If you will take the time to establish some good “rules of respect” with your roommate from the start, and not be afraid to communicate, you are setting yourself up for a good relationship straight down the fairway! If it works for golf, it will work for you!
Swing-thought 1: To overcome the fear of new: Get up on time. Go to class on time. Do your work on time. Go to bed on time.
While hurricane Irene has done its damage this past week and moved on, the inner hurricane of first time college students entering their new world has just begun. A hurricane it is. Consider the freshman from the University of Central Florida who died after attending a freshman party just three days after arriving at school. Don’t think there’s not a spiritual warfare over your life!
For many students, the dominating emotion that overtakes you is overwhelm—getting used to a new surroundings, having the freedom to make one’s own decisions, seeking emotional connection in new friends, and feeling the fear of new, which can influence you to do things outside the norm, or just freeze, not knowing what to do.
In golf, when you feel the pressure of the unknown or fear to hit a shot that you’re not used to, what creates a successful execution is your pre-shot routine. It’s a very specific routine you do regardless of the outward pressure to set up your shot. Part of my routine is: select your target, find my intermediary target, grip the club, set your club square to your target line, set your feet square to your club, look at the target, relax….and hit the ball! My pre-shot routine is simple, clear, repeatable, and effective. Reliance on the routine is what equips you to hit the shot despite the pressure.
When you are in overwhelm your first week of college, choose a pre-shot routine and commit to it everyday. I suggest you make it real simple: get up on time. Go to class on time. Do your work on time. Go to bed on time. One swing-thought for each time-frame of your day: morning, afternoon, evening, and bedtime. Believe me, you will be off to a good start and will be ahead of the game. Creating this simple mental structure will eliminate your immediate feeling of overwhelm.
If it works for golf, it will work for you!
Veronica Karaman is the founder of True Champion Coaching and is available for academic coaching.
Hello! Any young golfers who are in town with their parents this week are invited to attend a FREE Champion-Activation workshop here in Pinehurst. Learn the secrets of process-oriented goals, how to be a winner despite your score, and how to focus and think like a champion. Contact me for more information at: veronica@truechampioncoaching.com. Wed. at 4 here in Pinehurst!
I am very excited to offer my first True Champion Coaching Day for women who are competitive in golf and who want to up their game and lives. When I began developing this golf-to-life program I realized that so many women plug along and want to leap out of their comfort zone, but don’t know how. The good news is, it doesn’t begin with hitting more balls or taking more lessons. It begins with your mindset and belief system. In the True Champion workshop you will learn a proven process to help lift you out of the old and into the new with your golf swing and life swing. Join other women just like you who want to release more of the champion within. For more information or to sign-up on-line go to: http://truechampioncoaching.com/gameon. Hope to see you in Pinehurst in June!
Hello! Thanks so much for visiting my blog. If you happen to like the idea of white ball therapy or are interested in other kinds of coaching, please contact me at veronica@truechampioncoaching.com or 757-407-1907. You can also visit my website at: www.truechampioncoaching.com. I am also available to speak at, coach, and consult your group, family, or organization. I am looking for a beta group to test out my 9 hole relationship building course. Please contact me if you would like to engage in an experiential learning coaching program focusing on building relationships using golf as an assessment tool. Have a great day! Veronica
