I have had an amazing week that has started with discouragement and ended in a great shot of empowerment.  When I realized that my true move was going to be more of a long term fix than a short term fix, I lost a lot of my confidence.  I didn’t think that this could actually happen.  Then while praying with a friend of mine, a certain Scripture came to her mind:  Hebrews 10:35–which speaks about not flinging away your confidence which has a great compensation of reward.  This Scripture really spoke to my heart because I saw that in the place of my physical weak point of my swing, I had to go “to a different place” in my thoughts. Instead of giving up, I had to place my faith in God.  In the cavity of my need, I could give up or look to God, and I decided to trust God with a living faith in Him.  And guess what?  He showed up!

Yesterday I played a practice round with Alan, who is going to be my caddy for the event. I met Alan on the golf course while playing through a group.  In just a few minutes of chit chat,  I asked if he knew anyone from the club who could caddy for me.  Much to my surprise, he offered to do so.  Little did I know that he was a champion  golfer himself, and knew the course better than anybody’s business. 

When I played golf with him yesterday, he was so totally positive, competent, motivating, and helpful, that I knew I was sent a real master to help me.  We even worked out a swingthought for my swing to work much better on the course.  I experienced the power of partnership just the way I did with the caddy that empowered me to qualify for the last U.S. Open I played in.  My special caddy and the shot of confidence he gave me was a direct result of the force of my faith in God to put His strength in my weakness.  All I need to do now is work on my driver and fairway woods, and practice my short game like crazy–and I will indeed have a real shot at this!

I’ve been thinking.  My whole U.S. Open Quest really isn’t about golf.  It’s not about getting back in the game again as much as it is getting back into life again.  Focusing on a sports target has helped me move forward with my life more than anything else–more than encouragement from friends, more than paying  someone to coach me, more than hoping, dreaming, wishing, more than crying, despairing, depressing myself; more than going to church.  Yep.  It’s true.  What picking a target and taking inspired imperfect action has done for me is to get the ball rolling in my life again.  Ten years ago I tried to qualify for the Open and spent six entire months preparing.  A sponsor covered all my expenses and I took dead aim on my goal. The only problem was, it was a results-oriented goal based on a one-day event.  When I didn’t make it, I crashed and burned.  I was so down that the only thing that inspired me was the devestation of 9-11 because I saw people rescuing people.  It has literally been ten years since I have picked up the pieces and gotten back in the game of my life again.  That’s a pitiful statement, but it’s true.  I believe I am not alone in that statement.  We allow a devastation to happen and then we dis-engage in life or work. We stay down for so long that inertia sets in and we might as well dig a hole and crawl in it, unless we take ACTION to re-engage. That is what I am doing.  All the prayer in the world will not replace taking inspired imperfect action.  I am learning that if you have a goal or objective that you have to keep your eyes on that goal and be resolute in it. At the same time, your goal can not be your god.  What is so marvelous about what I am going now is that when I am done with my time on the course, I am completely free to move onto another area of my life, and then I come back to golf when I am supposed to. Today, Sunday, I took the whole day off from golf as my sabbath.  I wrote, went to church, went out to lunch, did chores around the house, truly rested.  Well, for me this is a day of rest.  I want to keep God, God, and I want to pursue my goal from a place of wholeness, not performance orientation. Somehow in focusing on golf, it is causing my left-brain to engage again. It’s like I have put it on file for a long time.  It’s just getting plugged in again in an area I am well-familiar with, and the rest of me is responding.  When I sit down to do work, my mind is sharper, actually focused.  There are 67 girls who are trying to qualify for the most prestigious tournament in the world.  Three will make it.  I will be a very long shot if I make it, but if I don’t, I won’t bat an eye in sorrow.  I have already gained so much by doing my processes. I am beginning to believe in myself again, in God working sovereignly in my daily life, and in others. And if I do make it, I will shout it from the housetops, that God specializes in long shots!  Last night I was listening to Tony Campolo on The Hour of Power. He was talking about setbacks–but also about how the King Has One More Move.  When I lose my true move, I am going to put faith in the One who has One More Move.  It’s not over yet!  The King still has one more move!  I have been listening to some tapes by Gary Keesee on how to do business according to the principles of God’s Kingdom.  I have forgotten how I used to live by faith.  I have had so many setbacks that I lost my “operating faith” in God, in myself, and in others.  Not my salvivic faith, but my day to day faith.  Gary’s messages about creating wealth God’s way–how we have to have faith in Kingdom principles began to awaken my faith again.  My focus is not in my ability or lack of it, in my self-confidence or lack of it. My focus in on God’s operating principles and my putting them into action in my life.  It’s about faith.  I am feeling God’s strength beginning to pour into my weaknesses.  I will arise! I am arising!

Wow!  What a week it’s been.  When I started to add speed and the pressure of playing under some competition, I regressed back to my old move.  YIKES!  I lost all my confidence and motivation.  If I couldn’t hit the ball well and have a swing to work with, then how could I play?  My initial enthusiasm turned to mush once the wall of reality hit me hard. What I thought would be a short term fix is really a long term fix—and I have to play now!  I submitted my struggle/conflict to prayer.  And God answered, but not in the way I thought.  About a month ago, my accountant had told me about this gal named Isabelle, who was a business associate of his.  A real golf champion.  “Isabelle!”  I thought, “Beisiegal?  She was my best friend in golf when I played the mini-tour 10 years ago!  I haven’t spoken to her in years.”  I called her up to say hello. It was so great to speak to someone who has the same DNA as I do—someone who loves golf and deeply loves God.  “What are your strengths?”  She asked.  I told her:  I think well, putt well, chip well, have been working on my endurance, and my overall outlook is good.  “Well then,” she went on, “You have to see what you have lost in a redemptive light.  Jesus lost his life so we could gain life.  You have to turn your weaknesses over to God and let Him work His strength in them.”  Somehow she was always able to break through my mental barriers.  I wanted to quit because I had lost my true move for now—and have to face my weaknesses, which is my swing.  Now I had the choice of truly trusting God or not.  I chose to trust, even though I didn’t have the answer for regaining confidence in a faulty swing.  A few days later my friend, Kim, also a professional golfer, called me.  “Hey, Veronica. I heard you were playing in the Open Qualifier.  I don’t like that course. It’s long and boring.”  She went on to rag on all the negatives about the qualifying tournament.  I agreed with her, and when I hung up the phone a bolt of lightnigh lit up my mental sky.  In other words, I had a little talk with myself.  “Veronica, you made a commitment to this tournament. It wasn’t about how great your swing was or how much you liked the course or the yardage.  It was about engaging your heart in the process of preparing for a championship again.  That was the goal.  If you stay negative and quit now, you’ve failed to reach your goal.  Besides, if you are so caught up on a perfect swing, you can’t get your head or heart in the game.  You have to get your head and heart back in the game–regardless of the conditions and challenges.  All of a sudden, I realized that the real victory was in clearing a path from all the mental obstacles standing in my way:  a 6700 yard course–the longest I’ve ever played in my life, a faulty swing, a course I don’t like.  All of those things DON’T MATTER.  What matters is getting my whole heart in the game and staying true to my processes of preparation!  It was like I took a big mental broom and “SWOOSH” —dusted away every mental barrier standing in the way of my goal.  That alone was a major conquest.  Literally.  I felt like I took a major leap forward.  Then I had this leap of motivation to go play another practice round.  “I have to find MY swing for NOW.  Forget my future swing.  I can’t be about the perfect swing. I have to find my authentic swing. The one that works for me NOW.  While I played my round, I experimented with a couple different swing thoughts. I settled on working on shortening my backswing and creating more hinging at the wrists.  WACK!  All of a sudden my confidence was back. I started hitting it good again, and felt like I could repeat that swing.  I also learned the course at a deeper level.  This week I will work on MY swingthoughts again and see if I can re-produce them on the course. At least now I do have swingthoughts that can be executed on the course with speed and under some pressure.  I am so glad I spoke with Kim and Isabelle, had discernment, and saw God answer prayer–yep, even about my golf swing!

Today I did something that I could not do last week.  Last week I could only walk nine holes of golf, and then I petered out, although I played 27 holes total in that particular day.  Today I play the golf course at Duke University, walked and carried my bag for 18 holes!  And then I walked for another hour when I got home!  That means I took a big leap forward in my progress of being able to walk 14 miles in one day, which is what I will have to do on June 3rd, for the Open Qualfier. 

The other cool thing that happened today is that I met some really neat guys, with whom I played the front nine.  They were from Travelers Rest, South Carolina:  David, Jay, Mikey, and Robbie.  They were at Duke to support their friend, Mikey, who has cancer and is here for treatment. I was so impressed with Mikey’s spirit.  You would never know he was battling with his own personal championship, so far more important than hitting a little white golf ball.  However, it just goes to show you how hitting a little white ball can really be “white ball therapy,”  giving you some fun in the sun, and a time out from “the battle.”  I must admit, I was inspired by Mikey’s spirit and the awesome support of his friends.  Life really is so much easier when we have the support we need at the level we need it at from others.

I think they all inspired me because on the first hole I hit a seven iron 3 feet from the pin and birdied the first hole!  Then I bogied the second–and proceeded to birdie the third hole, drilling in another putt from about 10 feet.  I shot 75–with 4 birdies.  It felt good to actually feel like an athlete out there. On the back nine, I hit a really good iron to a hole, and a group of guys who were driving by, stopped and clapped at my shot. That made me feel really good. It has been soooo long since I have felt like a professional golfer.  What was amazing about today was that I didn’t feel like I had a long layoff at all. 

I also realized the power of mastering your processes.  I have been diligent at hitting 50 GOOD  long shots, 50 GOOD short game shots, and 50 GOOD putts–GOOD is measured by a certain proximity to the hole, so it’s much more than just hitting that many shots–it’s hitting that many GOOD shots.  Today I chipped great, putted great, and hit a lot of good long shots.  I was able to do that because I have been focusing on mastering my processes.  My true move was not so good today because I was out playing, but it is coming along.  I just have to keep plugging.

Before Mikey left, I expressed my faith for God to heal him–please pray for his total healing.

I also realized today the power of drinking water.  I felt like I drank a whole ocean full of water because I am still nursing this kidney stone, and didn’t want to become dehydrated.  When I got home, I was amazed at how good I felt–didn’t have that weak, fainting feeling like I have had so many times before.  Guess I will have to continue my 10-12 glasses of water a day!  It made a very vigorous day seem much more doable than before.

I spent this past weekend in Pinehurst, where I took another lesson from Kelly, my swing coach.  Although I had wanted to make significant progress this past week, I was overcome by extreme fatigue. Not knowing if it was coming from my kidney stone or just a sudden leap in working out, I wasn’t able to practice as much as I wanted to.  I did make some good headway, and found out that I could make my “true move” in slow motion.  Although I was not able to add speed to it yet, I was pleased that my progress was real.  And I learned some additional insights about the nature of change.  “It’s looking good, Veronica,” Kelly said.  “What I am noticing is that when you make your old move, you are no longer hitting solid shots.  When you make your new move, you are rewarded.  It is so much easier for you to come back to the ball, and you hit it solid when you get in the right position at the top. You don’t even have to compensate, manipulate, or figure out how to uncompensate on the way down.  You just automatically swing right on the way down.  You know you are making good progress when you are no longer rewarded for your old move, and are rewarded for your new move–that way you will be motivated to keep making the new move.  Wow. There is a life-lesson in there.  How often do we know we need to make a change in our lives, but don’t because what we are doing is still rewarding us somehow. But when we are no longer rewarded for that unhealthy habit, thought or behavior, then we are convicted to make a change.  Being rewarded for your true move is much more exciting than all the effort and compensation it takes to make a move that is not truly rewarding.  Afterwards, I played 27 holes, totally fatigued, but somehow energized when my drive went about 30 yards farther than before.  Praise God!  I have one month until the Open Qualifier.  I have to start walking two hours a day to be able to walk 14 miles in one day.  Tomorrow I go to the doctor to find out what my “next move” is with my health.  I think about how my quest has been greatly challenged and somewhat hindered by my health condition, but I refuse to let it deter me.  I just have to use wisdom.